In His Perfect Timing

I began writing this blog mid-February, 2025. I have been editing it since then.

I had the cutest shirt made for my son to wear to showcase the newest addition to our family. I will get to keep this forever!

If any one reading this has children, more specifically toddler aged children, you may understand the next few sentences. My first baby, Hudson, was born in August of 2023. That's a long story in itself, maybe for another day. Anywho, we survived the challenging, exhausting, at times tension-filled, but mostly love-filled season of having a newborn. We are in the thick of toddlerhood now. But, surprisingly, it has been my favorite season yet. He is learning boundaries, consequences, and what "NO!" means. Amidst all of that, he is also giving kisses, hugs, laughing, and asking to play with me. This season has been so good that I convinced myself that I could start over again. "Hudson would make an amazing big brother and I can handle a little sibling now." That's a crazy reality! One that I never thought I'd ever have. How could I share my love? Share my attention? Share my energy? Share myself with TWO babies? I don't really have an explanation for how I arrived at being ready for baby #2, but I did. Jesus painted a beautiful picture of the perfect and growing Cobb Family in my heart. I was ready!

Fast forward to the beginning of February, 2025; a positive pregnancy test! I almost couldn't believe it. Well, that's not entirely true - I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! Hollywood paints a picture of how conception and pregnancy is, which I have found to be SO far from the reality that many of us face. We had been trying for 5 months at this point, with no success. This is a battle I knew too well and one that I was hoping a full-term, successful pregnancy would have corrected. I was discouraged and soon to give up, also a familiar story. I planned for a 2-year age gap and time was ticking on that reality. Back to February, the positive test, remember?!? Speechless, doubtful, anxious, overjoyed, and scared. Those were just some of my emotions.

I called my doctor to schedule my first pregnancy appointment. I was SO excited to have an ultrasound of my baby! It was the longest 3-weeks of waiting. The devil loves to play with an anxious and waiting mind. Psalms 37:7 reads, "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret".

Rest in the Lord. Rest in the Lord. Rest in the Lord.

Sigh.

14 hours before my scheduled appointment, _______________. I don't even know what to write in that blank. My greatest fear. My hardest battle. My deepest tragedy. A feeling I knew all too well. I kept my appointment. I showed up at 2:30 like I was supposed to. I expressed my concerns with my doctor and explained my symptoms. I wish I didn't know what she was going to say already. I wish I didn’t know what that look on her face meant. I wish I didn't know what was to come. But I did.

Blood work, a negative pregnancy test, and grief. That is what I left the appointment with. I sat the next few days with those thoughts and feelings. I waited again. Waited angrily and anxiously for the doctor to call and confirm with me what I knew had already happened. It was much harder to "Rest in the Lord" this time. I was angry with the Lord. I was confused with the Lord. I still am, although now it comes in waves between His comfort and love.

4 days later, I received the long awaited call. I really think I would've been okay if they never called. My baby was no longer with me, but in Heaven with their creator. At just 9 weeks. I wish I could say that this pain gets easier with time and repetition. Unfortunately, it does not. I think it get's worse. Maybe it's because I knew what to expect. Maybe it's because I knew how it felt. Maybe. Just maybe.

I will say, grief did not hit me immediately. It took a week or more. I guess I was numbed to the news. Maybe I refused to believe it? Or angry that it happened, again. Have you ever had such a strong desire or dream that abruptly ends in ways you can’t control? That's pretty much how it feels. Maybe even worse because I had several weeks of positive test to assure me this dream would become my reality. All of that hope, joy, peace, and excitement. GONE.

I will spare you hours of reading about how I spent sleepless nights crying in different rooms of my house to not wake my family. How I couldn't bring myself to eat anything because I was so nauseous at the thought of everything. How I couldn't be fully present with my son and husband because my mind was racing in every other direction. Grief is hard. Miscarriage is HARD.

I have now settled to a place of peace. Don't mistake that with thinking I don't still grieve or have fits of anger. Because I do. Maybe that makes me human. If so, I am okay with that. I would be worried if someone has gone through this and didn't have fits of grief and anger. I am going to venture as far to say that it is normal. and OKAY. Anyway, I know that Jesus is holding my baby. Holding them so tight in His comforting arms. I have such a strong tug in my heart to want to be there too. I don't think that feeling ever goes away. Knowing I now have babies in Heaven makes me want to be there too. I have to be careful to not want that more than I am grateful for what I have on earth. I love my son and my husband SO much. I could not bear to live this life without them. They are my answered prayers. I get to see the goodness of God within the walls of my very home, through them. What a blessing!

This may be uncomfortable for some but I want to throw some disclosures out there. Things that need to be addressed. You don't know what is going on. If they wanted you to know, they would tell you. Don't ever assume. In that same spirit, let's stay away from asking "when is ____ getting a little brother/sister". You may mean that well, but just don't. Especially if you know the history. Or even if you don’t. Especially if you know if they're trying. Your question probably hurts more than it helps. Take it from me, and I am sure many many others who have been the recipient of that question. We may smile and jokingly laugh. But, deep inside of our hearts, that stings. Instead, say something like "we love you guys" or "we sure love ______ (the baby/babies they already have)." Let's practice loving people where they are. Not encouraging them to be somewhere or someone they're not. Maybe the Lord has them in a season of waiting and that is not for you to know. I'll say it again, love people where they are and as they are.

In this season, I have been told by many to be thankful for the baby I already have. And trust me, I AM. It took heartbreak, held out hope, tears, and a lot of faith to get him here. BUT secondary doesn’t mean less. Grief and gratitude can (and do) co-exist. It has taken me 6 months to be ready to share this, not because I want pity or attention. But because there is healing in sharing. And I believe this may bring hope to the reader that is enduring a similar season. If sharing glimpses of my story, brings hope and light to yours - I do it with a joyful heart!

Thank you for reading to this point. Thank you for being my family. Thank you for loving me where I am at. Thank you for accepting my transparency. After all, we're called to bear one another's burdens. Galatians 6:2 says that. Jesus knew life on earth would be hard. Even He lived a lot of His life on earth in community with others. Be that community for each other. Check on your circle. Show Jesus. Be Jesus. Love like Jesus.

With all of my love,

Annah.